Have you ever thought, "Life would be great if it weren't for certain people"? And do you know someone at work, that if they disappeared during lunch, your life would be better? Probably so. You may even live with such a person.
Or as one of my speaker friends asks his audiences, "How many of you are convinced that one of your children just couldn't be yours? And how many of you live in fear that your kids, once they've grown up and left the house, will come back?".
Of course he's joking. But all of us have some challenging people on our teams, in our customer base, and at home. And we may dream about how much nicer and easier life would be if we could just wall them out.
Mark Crow wrote about those yearnings. He said, "How many times have I heard that 'The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence?' And how true it does seem, for I often find myself reviewing my neighbor's 'grass' with envy. But lately I have found myself wondering if I spent a little less time watching my neighbour's grass and a little more time fertilizing my own, perhaps it would grow to be just as green. After all, isn't my side the other side of the fence to my neighbour?"
He's right. When you're tempted to build a wall or erect a fence, consider building a bridge. After all, it takes just as much work to build one as it does the other. Instead of shutting out or ignoring the challenging individual, look for ways to connect - because sometimes you have to work or live with someone... whether you want to or not. I've found the following process works very well.
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Swallow your pride
Stop giving the impression that you know it all. And stop acting like you're always right. That only makes the other person pretend that he knows everything also. Instant wall.
On the other hand, if you say you may be wrong, the challenging individual is more likely to say they may be wrong. Instant bridge.
As psychologist Dr. Bev Smallwood says, put the focus on WHAT is right, not WHO is right. Look for truth in all points of view, and work together to find a solution that works for everyone.
If you're the kind of person who can't let go of an argument until you've won, you're in trouble. Even if you "win" you haven't. The "loser" will get you back sometime, somehow.
It takes a bit of humility to swallow your pride. It takes the opposite of what Ted Turner espouses. He said, "If only I had a little more humility, I'd be perfect".
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Make the first move
Quit keeping score as to who's turn it is. So what if you called your customer three times before he called you back. So what if you e-mailed your friend four times before she answered. If you need to make contact with your customer, keep on calling. If you want to maintain your relationship with a certain friend, keep on e-mailing. Their lack of response could be a sign of their disinterest, but more often than not it's a sign of their poor time management skills.
If you don't make the first move, there may not be a chance for a second move. And yes, yes, I know; it's not fair ... that you have to take more than your share of the initiation with people. It "should" be 50-50, but it never will be.
So face it. You can gripe about the way things "should" be, or you can deal with things the way they are. Personally, I prefer the latter approach. If I want to build a bridge to someone else, I'll make the first move ... and the second ... and third ... if I need to.
So go ahead and make the first move if that other person, your friend, your customer, your co-worker, or that relationship is important to you.
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Listen
It's one of the best ways to build a bridge to someone else. And yet some people have never learned the art of listening.
Such was the case of one acquaintance. He was completely lost in the kitchen and never ate unless someone prepared a meal for him. A bit sexist and old-fashioned.
Nonetheless, when his wife was ill, he volunteered to go to the supermarket to get some groceries. She sent him off with a carefully numbered list of seven items. He came back shortly, very proud of himself, and proceeded to unpack the grocery bags. He had 1 bag of sugar, 2 dozen eggs, 3 hams, 4 boxes of detergent, 5 boxes of crackers, 6 eggplants, and 7 green peppers.
Obviously he hadn't learned much about listening over the years. But relationships are built on listening. And problems are solved when listening takes place. As Charlie 'Tremendous' Jones says, "The more you listen, the more 'how's' you'll know. You'll know how to go about fixing the broken bridges in your life."
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Look for something positive in every person you meet and in every idea you encounter
I'm not saying that every person is pleasant at work, and I'm not saying every idea you hear is a good one. No. In fact, there is usually something wrong with every person and idea you come across.
But bridge builders don't discount potentially profitable ideas just because there's an objectionable element involved. And bridge builders don't ignore some possibly helpful people because of some negative quality in their lives.
Instead, smart people isolate or discard the erroneous element in an overall good idea and keep the rest. Smart people overlook the irritating factor in someone's personality if there are other factors that make the relationship healthy enough to pursue.
You've got to be discriminating. Don't throw out the baby with the bath water.
Use the four tips I've given you today, and you'll be a carpenter who builds bridges to others.
Action tip
List three people where you need to make the first move. Then do it.